Isolation and The Gift of Listening
A Reflection by Christine Jurisich
One of the most challenging times in my life was when I decided to leave my career as a TV reporter and anchor to become a stay-at-home mom. I recognize having this choice is a privilege, and I am deeply grateful for the time. Yet it took a significant toll on me. I was deeply depressed for several years. There were many reasons why I sunk to such a low place, but now, as I look back, I see that the isolation was the most challenging part of my struggle.
Different Types of Isolation
Isolation can look and feel different depending on your situation. You may have moved away and are geographically isolated from people who care about you. There are health challenges that can leave you physically isolated at home. Or it may be that you are surrounded by many people in your life—good, loving family and friends—yet no one can relate to your pain and loss or values and faith. You share and do not feel heard. Whatever the reason for your emotional or physical isolation, it can leave you feeling empty and alone.
When I left my career, my friends and coworkers said I was lucky to be able to afford to stay home (and I realize that I was). What was wrong with me for not being happy? I complained and complained, and no one understood, so I learned to stay quiet, stuff it down, and carry a lot of resentment inside. While this challenging time was more than twenty years ago, it was only a few years ago when I read a quote from Joan Chittister, OSB, that articulated the isolation of that time perfectly.
Struggle is a very private thing. It happens in the very depths of our souls. It comes with the loss of what we have thought to be of such significance that we cannot abide the thought of life without it. Other people commiserate, of course, as they watch us struggle with the pain of losing, the meaning of endings, the shock of great change, and the emptiness of the present. But they cannot really share our pain because what we have lost, however significant to us, is not really significant to them. What we lose is ours and ours alone: our dream, our hope, our expectations, our property, our identity. All private. All personal. All uniquely and singularly ours. [1]
Finally, after all those years, I could name why that time in my life was so hard. I felt isolated. That was the word. It was the explanation for my frustration. I began to recognize that the biggest part of my stress came from the fact that no one understood why I was having a hard time with the loss of a job I’d dreamt of since fifth grade. None knew that my career was (sadly) the source of my self-worth and self-esteem. I was lost without that identity. No one understood how it was more than a career for me; it was my passion. Listening to others' stories, writing, and sharing information with others felt woven into my DNA. Producing and putting words and pictures together brought my creativity to life. For years after leaving my job, I had a nagging sadness in the pit of my stomach which I learned not to talk about with anyone.
Isolation in The Questions
I am wondering if any of this resonates with you.
No one understands your questions about God, about faith, and about the church you used to attend.
No one understands how challenging it is for you to transition into retirement.
No one understands how lonely you are now that your kids are out of the house, nor how you wonder what that means for your marriage.
No one understands why you are still grieving your loved one who has been gone for too long a time.
Perhaps you feel a constant, low-level, simmering frustration buried below the surface.
Maybe you feel a sharp pain that comes in and out in waves. You feel lonely in it all, and there are few people—perhaps no one—with whom you feel safe sharing.
You are Not Alone
Too many people live lonely and isolated lives. Some are isolated at home. Others feel lonely in their viewpoints at a time when shaming has become a sport on social media and TV; it can feel unsafe to share. Not knowing who is safe to speak with can be a lonely and anxiety-inducing place to be. Many are yearning for community, yet feel dissatisfied with their church communities. More and more people feel afraid to speak their truth and engage in honest dialogue with family and friends. How can we help ourselves and each other live more connected lives? We can start by listening (to ourselves and others) in a new way.
Listen to Yourself
If you feel isolated, give yourself time to name the pain and loss. Journal it, say it out loud to yourself, and talk to God about it. Allow time to validate what you are feeling. As Chittister says above, “What we lose is ours and ours alone.” Because of that, you and you alone need to give yourself permission to name your struggle, honor it, and be kind to yourself while dealing with it. This is a first step. You do not have to wait for others to validate your feelings. First, be compassionate with yourself and honor any turmoil inside of you.
Listen to Others
Listen rather than try to advise or fix. Here is one of my favorite quotes that we share during our Sacred Circle facilitator training.
Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention . . . . especially if it’s given from the heart. When people are talking, there’s no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they’re saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it… One of my patients told me that when she tried to tell her story people often interrupted to tell her that they once had something just like that happen to them. Subtly her pain became a story about themselves. Eventually she stopped talking to most people. It was just too lonely.
Rachel Naomi Remen. Kitchen Table Wisdom
Has that ever happened to you? What did it feel like?
I’ve noticed that since I have become involved in spiritual growth ministry, the conversations I have with people have changed over the years. They have become more sacred and more intimate as I recognize the beauty of holding another’s story while listening as opposed to listening with the intention of wanting to give them advice. This type of exchange cultivates trust in the relationship. It deepens the connection between two people in that each side experiences more freedom to share from their authentic selves. Parker Palmer, author of “A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward An Undivided Life” says:
When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. If your problem is soul-deep, your soul alone knows what you need to do about it, and my presumptuous advice will only drive your soul back into the woods. [2]
Discoveries in a Faith-Sharing Group
As I sat in my isolation all those years ago––depressed that I had given up my passion and surrounded by people telling me how lucky I was––I had no idea there was something else in store for me. I was not in touch with my spirituality and it never dawned on me that God could have other plans for those same gifts and passions of mine. I never in my wildest dreams saw myself where I am right now; getting to use my gifts with Retreat, Reflect, Renew and in a much more meaningful way that speaks to my true self.
The journey from honoring my feelings, recognizing my gifts, and discovering God as part of my daily life, happened in a faith-sharing community. My story was held with respect and love. No one gave me a fix-it formula. In that sacred space, I felt safe to work through the feelings I needed to work through. The deep, honest listening space was what brought me out of the painful feelings of isolation.
What is Your Response?
As you read this reflection, I invite you to listen to the internal reaction you are having to it. If you feel isolated, what resonates here? If you do not feel isolated, how can you reach out to others who do? We are not created to live in isolation. We are called to love one another and live interdependent lives. Holding our own suffering and holding others is not always easy, yet it is important, It is where we find the fullness of God’s love and mercy.
Listen to this reflection on YouTube
Share in a Sacred Circle
The second full week of the month, we offer three drop-in Sacred Circles on Zoom and two in person. It is a chance to share the monthly reflection in a safe and welcoming environment. You never have to share more than you want to share. Look for an invitation with the Zoom link on the Monday of the week’s sessions. Learn more here.
Share Right Here
What is your reaction to this reflection? How may you hold a safe space for yourself or others to listen with love?
[1] Joan D. Chittister, Scarred By Struggle, Transformed By Hope (Grand Rapids: William B. Edermans Publishing Company, 2003), 28. [2] Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2004), 117.