Cancel or Forgive?
By Retreat, Reflect, Renew facilitator Shannon Dahlstedt
The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery; and making her stand before all of them, they said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They said this to test him, so that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
- Jn 8:3-7
No one threw a stone at her.
“Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, sir.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.”
- Jn 7:10-11
As a lifelong Christian, I have always been familiar with the story above. Reading about being stoned by a mob makes me feel so grateful to be alive in the here and now. Stoning a person is barbaric, and being stoned by a mob is humiliating and isolating. How could ancient peoples be so mean-spirited?
But if I look at my phone or my computer, I see virtual mobs canceling someone for something they have said or done each week. Meanness seems to be part of the human condition. When it gains momentum and results in a mob, it can be as contagious as a coronavirus.
What is 'cancel culture'?
And what does it indicate about us?
According to Wikipedia, cancel culture or call-out culture is a contemporary phrase used to refer to a form of ostracism in which someone is thrust out of social or professional circles – whether online, on social media, or in person. Those subject to this ostracism are said to have been "canceled." [1] Some people get canceled for actions. Consider Will Smith, who recently hit Chris Rock at the Academy Awards. His current work with Netflix was subsequently “paused.” Others, such as Matt Damon, have been canceled for saying something offensive, such as a slur or a political idea.
We are living in an age when many people feel more confident revealing injustices they experience or witness. Many times the offenses are complicated and controversial. The invitation here is to take a step back, reflect, and allow Jesus to be our inspiration as to how to respond.
It definitely isn't the stoning from ancient times, yet canceling someone does create social isolation and humiliation. If Jesus did not condemn a woman caught in the act of adultery, I doubt he would want us to cancel every person who said or did something we didn't like. Jesus taught us to forgive rather than isolate, humiliate, or kill.
Forgiveness as a Practice
Forgiving a person takes practice. When you feel you have been wronged, there may be feelings of betrayal and pain. In The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World, Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu outline four steps to forgiveness:
1. Telling the story
2. Naming the hurt
3. Granting forgiveness
4. Renewing or releasing the relationship
They describe the process as a way of regaining dignity after someone harms you. If you don't deal with the pain, it will fester and manifest in other ways that can negatively impact your health and your relationships. Deciding to forgive someone opens you back up to freedom, moving you from victim to hero. Finally, after forgiveness, you can choose to renew the relationship with the one who harmed you, or you can decide not to see that person again. (Tutu, Desmond and Tutu, Mpho, The Book of Forgiving)
Forgiveness is as much for you as it is for the other person, and you can choose to forgive whether or not the person who has wronged you deserves this generous act. It sets you free, as we can see in the story about two former prisoners of war meeting. "When one asked, 'have you forgiven your captors?' The other replied, 'no, never!' The first ex-prisoner looked with kindness at his friend and said, 'Well, then they still have you in prison, don't they?'" (Kornfield, Jack: After the Ecstasy, The Laundry)
Forgiving and Forgiving
Sometimes we have to forgive over and over. We forgive others, ourselves, and even life itself. We decide to forgive and wake up in pain again over the same situation the next day. We begin again.
Why should I forgive over and over again? In the same way I need forgiveness for doing the same human things that I do – for my impatience, for withholding my love and gifts, for focusing more on myself than others – so too does the world need forgiveness. Because I am imperfect and in need of forgiveness, I find the agency to forgive you as well. Because Jesus teaches us how to pray by saying, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."
Forgiveness Culture
If mean-spiritedness can spread like a virus through a mob and cause people to cancel and stone each other, I wonder if forgiveness can spread from one person to another. By forgiving ourselves, our loved ones, those we encounter in our day-to-day lives, and finally, the rest of the world, can we collectively bring about more peace?
Maybe we can be one less horn honking on the road, one less complaint heard in the day. Perhaps we can allow the other person to go ahead of us in the grocery line and compliment the cashier when it is our turn to check out. Instead of listing all my challenges of the day as soon as I see my husband after work, what would happen if I named the blessings I saw instead? Would it prompt him to notice the good things about his day?
The spirit of forgiveness is limitless. Mercy and compassion grow as we increase our practice. We will find our freedom and exit the endless loop of pain and suffering that keeps us imprisoned.
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What has your experience of forgiveness taught you?
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[1] Wikipedia.org: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cancel_culture.[2] Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu, The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World (HarperCollins Publishers New York, NY, 2014).[3] Jack Kornfield, After the Ecstasy, The Laundry (New York, NY: Bantum Books, 2000).