Desire for Community
After hearing your reaction to last month’s reflection (“Let’s Talk about Church”), I realize there is a lot more to talk about. Through the comments section, personal emails to me, and the rich sharing in Sacred Circle, a common theme emerged: many who struggle with church do so because they have a deep desire for community. And with good reason. Community can help us get through the roughest times in life.
Community has played a significant role in my life. Growing up in a small town, attending church every Sunday, and having a large extended family, I had three communities providing me with a foundation of stability. As a young mom, I found the Ministry of Mothers Sharing. That ministry and group of women provided a safe and significant community as I sorted through questions about my life and faith. Later, while my kids were in school, our Catholic school community became a place to serve, enjoy friends with similar values, and provide support and comfort to one another with meals, carpools, and encouraging talks over coffee whenever needed.
Shared Desires
Each of our experiences of community is different. Your needs and wishes depend on your unique life story. Yet I think we all share many of the same desires when we are talking about community. We want to be seen and heard; to know our feelings and thoughts matter; to see that we are needed in service to others; to feel like we belong and are cared for when we are at our weakest; to share our laughs and joys when we are at our strongest.
What is Community?
A community is a place where you experience a sense of belonging and safety with an individual or a group. It can be a church, neighborhood, extended family, town, work, or school. At its best, community brings us closer to our wholeness in God. A sense of belonging gives us an experience of being held in God’s grace as we draw strength from one another. Sharing rituals—prayers, songs, and sacred traditions—connects us to the thread of God’s mercy running through each and every person. Helping and serving others connects us to the world and our place in it. Life becomes bigger than me and my problems. Community provides perspective.
Community and Resilience
Resilience is the ability to overcome adversity. When you reflect on what makes a person resilient, you see the significance of community and connection. Based on research from author Brene Brown in her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” a resilient person is one who:
Is resourceful and has good problem-solving skills.
Is more likely to seek help.
Holds the belief that they can do something that will help them manage their feelings.
Has social support available to them.
Is connected with others, such as family or friends.
Has an inner spirit of connection and compassion. (Spirituality)
All of these points have a thread of support, encouragement, wisdom, and connection to God’s grace. I invite you to pause and reflect on the communities in your life that have helped you become a more resilient person and those that have not helped you.
Sr. Joan Chittister, OSB asked a significant question in a recent article in the National Catholic Reporter when she wrote,
Does community just "happen" — as in, we joined this organization so we're part of the community — or do we need to make it happen over and over again? And if so, how?
What I hear in that question is a call to take ownership in our desire for community. So often I hear people wanting community, yet there is a resistance to making that one phone call, committing to volunteer, or showing up to an unknown place with an unknown group of people. I get it. As much as I love community, I have my own resistances. If you yearn for community, I invite you to reflect on what gets in the way of actively seeking or participating in one. The following are resistances I have seen in myself and others. Which one speaks to your experience? Which one are you open to exploring?
Vulnerability
Walking into a room or attending a Zoom session with people you have never met can feel scary. Will I feel uncomfortable? Will I be judged? Will I have to share more than I am ready to share? I have felt all of these fears - and still do at times. When I feel uncomfortable, I tell myself I know that awkwardness is a space I have to walk through to get to the other side where I can experience connection. Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn't feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.” Holding onto this belief—and remembering my many experiences that have shown it to be true—helps me not run away.
Trust
You may feel unsure when it comes to relying on people. Being in communion with others requires the sharing of one another’s heart, and that involves trust. Deciding who you can trust with your heart is important. It takes discernment and intention to know where you want to look for people you can trust with your story.
Independence
Society prizes independence, this false notion that we can live independent lives without the help of others. There are so many examples of relationships in which we lose ourselves. Yet we need one another and have to seek out people who can show us how to have healthy, interdependent relationships built on respect.
Commitment
Perhaps you are pulled in many different directions and wonder what you have left to give to another group. Or your kids are now grown or just leaving the house, and you feel done with volunteering at school and their various activities. This subject speaks to Sr. Joan’s quote above. Are we “in community” simply because we registered? Or do we seek to just check off this box? Real connection and belonging is an investment of time, energy, and heart. If you are yearning for community while at the same time afraid of commitment, I invite you to reflect on that fear.
Where is the fear coming from?
How is your time and energy being spent right now?
What is your comfort level with saying no and creating boundaries?
What do you want to say yes to in your life, and what nos are required to make room for that yes?
Beliefs
We live in such a polarized world right now, and it can be stressful to enter into certain conversations. You may be concerned that belonging to a group means you have to think or believe the same way as everyone in that group. And yes, there are groups where it would be very awkward to believe differently. Yet a Christ-centered community must be a place where we are united in our efforts to live faithfully. That will look differently and evolve at a unique pace for each and every person and that should be respected. Ideally, a Christ-centered community creates an environment of listening in a way that encourages all to hear how God is calling them to grow in God’s love and mercy. The quote from last Sunday’s reflection speaks to this. While focused on a church community, it can serve as a goal for any type of community.
Sometimes it takes having differences, not understanding one another, and even being a little bit irritated by and bored with one another, to remind us that the church is a family and not a club. At its best, this family dynamic of the local church functions as God’s fertile soil for growing us beyond mere tolerance toward true expressions of love and unity.
― Scott Sauls, "Jesus Outside the Lines: A Way Forward for Those Who Are Tired of Taking Sides"
Find Your Place to Call Home
We are born to be an interdependent people. We are called to “love God with all our hearts, minds, and souls and to love our neighbor as ourselves.” Community helps us live into the fullness of God’s love and mercy. While many personal, societal, and institutional obstacles can get in the way of finding a community, the need is great. And regardless of the barriers on your path, there will always be a community out there that you are called to discover. Keep asking God to guide you to a place you can call home.
Share, Connect, Find Community
If this reflection moved you, I invite you to take a look at our Sacred Circle.
Twice a month we offer our drop-in Sacred Circles in which we share the monthly reflection in a safe and welcoming environment.
Share Here
Share your thoughts after reading this reflection. What has your experience been in seeking a community? What do you desire in a community?